Ranma « and Maison Ikkoku are both property of Rumiko
Takahashi, and the several publishing companies she has sold
the rights too as well.

Books 1 and 2 can be found at:
Rangerhq.50megs.com
Sofaspud.Org, and
Fanfiction.net

Comments and criticism welcome, E-mail me at starrngr@aol.com;
Pointless flames will be ignored.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tales of the Wanderer: Book Three: "Nerima Wandering"
Chapter 3: "Sakura Season"

     Of Tatewaki Kuno, many things could be said; some of them
were even complimentary.  Most of the rest were variants of
the theme that he was a few floors short of an elevator. 
Prior to the arrival of that wretch Saotome, however, the
fierce reputation of the Blue Thunder's prowess had keep the
unwashed masses in their place.  Now, however, many of those
who should rightly fear his wrath all but openly mocked him!
With his noble heritage should have been able to call upon the
most able bodied of the male assemblage of Furinkan High;
instead he was reduced to conscripting... FRESHMEN.  That fact
left a bitter taste in his mouth, for were not freshmen the
lowest form of life known to man?  Nevertheless, if they were
the only tools he could still bind to his bidding, they were
the tools he would use!  Even the greatest of samurai took the
field with retainers, after all... including peasants who's
primary purpose were to die gloriously in the service of their
liege.  Even the weather seemed his ally this day, with a dark
scuttling overcast that promised rain later.

     Thus was Kuno's grand plan as he rallied his troops at
the gates; for soon the beauteous Akane would arrive.  And
with her would be that accursed Saotome, always near lest
Akane's magnificent will cast off his foul geas.  Said geas
would no doubt force her to throw herself against the forces
arrayed against her; but in that it would be its own undoing. 
Surely the energy require to force said fair maiden into an
action so far removed from her demure nature would weaken
it... allowing her love for him to shatter it completely.

     Yes, there were many things that could truthfully be said
about Kuno.  That he was sane was defiantly not one of them,
the sheer force of his delusions by now considered a perfect
example of the metaphorical unmovable object.  Said object was
about to find itself in the path of the equally metaphorical
unstoppable force, however; and only in that collision would
the truth of which one was and which was not would be proven. 
That this collision was inevitable could be ascribed to a
simple fact... 'Muck' Thunders, a man who could not abide
bullies of any shape or form even before embarking upon his
career as the Star Ranger!  The upside of that was that he'd
not need his Star Ranger abilities to deal with this, and he
gave his partner in crime an evil grin.

     Godai looked up as he all but felt that gaze cross him. 
"Remind me why I have to be the one who does this again?" he
sighed as he nervously fiddled with the shirt and head-piece
he'd just donned.

     "Because there isn't any way *I* can pass as Principal
Kuno.  Besides... do you want to be the one who confronts Kuno
Jr?"  Godai shuddered.  "I didn't think so," Muck concluded
with a smirk.  He glanced around the corner once more. 
"Showtime.  Don't forget your cue, now..."

     Outside the gate of Furinkan, Akane caught sight of
Kuno's would be army and growled.  Loudly.  "Haven't they had
enough yet?"  She demanded of nobody in particular.

     "Geez, Akane.  They're just freshmen.  They don't know
any better," Ranma replied with a derisive snort.  "Why don't
you just ignore them?"

     "Excuse me, Mr. I never ignore a challenge?  You're a
FINE one to be talking!"

     "Yeah, well, maybe that's because the people who come a
challenging are actually got enough I don't have to worry
about hurting them accidentally!" Ranma countered with a
derisive snort.  The argument between the two quickly went
downhill from there.

     Inside the gates, Kuno noticed the sudden panicked
shifting of his conscripted army and drew his boken as he
prepared to rally his troops.

     "FREEZE, KUNO!" bellowed a voice from behind him, causing
him to whirl in surprise to see who could possibly have sheer
affront.  Behind him, unnoticed, the freshmen began to inch
away en masse; having heard the rumors about 'Typhoon Gajin'
along with the rest of the school.  Muck himself was
struggling to remain in character rather than grinning like a
fool as he stormed across the front of the school campus. 
Only the thought of what well could happen to said freshmen if
he didn't pull this off kept the mask of righteous indignation
in place.

     "This matter does not concern you, GAJIN," Kuno replied,
furious at having his plan disrupted.  "We are not inside the
classroom; a barbarian like yourself could not possibly
understand!"

     "What I understand, STUDENT, is that we are ON school
grounds and YOU'RE putting fellow students in danger!  And
since *I'M* a duly designated yard monitor, that MAKES it my
business, got it?" Muck countered, his anger no longer an act
as a visible flaming aura appeared around the teacher.  "So,
you've got THREE, count 'em, THREE seconds to start talking
before you get to explain this to the Principal..."

     Hearing his cue, Godai also stepped from around the
corner of the building.  "Aloha, Kekei's," he called, trying
desperately to impersonate the Principal's booming basso and
failing miserably.  It really didn't matter as this was too
much for even the most timid of the freshmen, the one's who's
fear of Kuno was enough that even Muck's flaming aura was not
enough to send them into outright flight, now fled the once
force that was feared above all others by the student body;
desperately seeking the safe haven of their classrooms.  That
this route took them squarely over they're feared leader was
of no importance, such was their terror, though they did give
the still flaming instructor a respectable berth.

     Outside the gates, the argument had wound down to a half-
hearted spate of tired insults.  Sensing something different,
Ranma and Akane looked about in confusion, both noticing the
absence of the horde of male students that had blocked the
gate moments earlier.  Confused, but not about to look a gift
horse in the mouth, they only shrugged at each other and
hurried in to their classroom as well, not noticing Muck as he
pulled a half dazed Kuno to his feet and dusted him off.

     "On second thought, Kuno, I don't really want to know
what you were doing with all those freshmen," Muck declared in
a lighter tone which quickly became deadly serious as he
continued.  "And you're right that I don't have any say in
what you do outside of school.  However, if I EVER catch you
pulling a stunt like this, or otherwise terrorizing the
underclassmen on school grounds, I'm going to make this
morning look like a picnic.  Understand?"

     "Y-yes, sensei," stammered a rather dazed Kuno before
collapsing into the dirt once more as the first bell rang. 
Muck turned to Godai, with the intention of re-assuring his
nervous landlord when the two of them heard clapping behind
them.

     "I was wonder'n when I'd find a coupla cool Kahuna's
who'd be stand'n up to my son," Principal Kuno boomed as the
two teachers turned nervously to face him.  "Looks like you
two will be doin' jus fine.  Although," and with this, his
gaze fixed on Godai, "I tink you be needin some more lessons
on how to act like myself, eh?  In fact, why don't you step
into my office so I can be givin you some pointers..."

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     By the time lunch rolled around, the rain had set in,
turning the large window of the teachers lounge into a
somewhat impressionistic painting, forcing everyone indoors,
including the teachers like Muck and Godai, who was less than
happy.  "Some friend you are.  You could have at least TRIED
to rescue me..."

     Muck just shrugged at that.  "And what was I supposed to
do?  Impossible rescues against all odds take a bit of time to
plan, you know..."

     Godai did a remarkable impression of a gaffed fish for a
few moments as he tried to come up with some sort of reply and
failed.  Finally, he shook his head and reached into his
briefcase instead, tossing Muck a bento box before pulling out
a second for himself.  "I really shouldn't give this to you,
but, Kyoko made this for you after hearing how much of a non-
morning person you are."

     "That's one fine wife you have, Yusaku."

     "Truer words have never been spoken, Muck. I'd kind of
like to have a nice long life with her, too, you know." 
Implied, but never mentioned, was the belief that such
wouldn't happen unless Muck stopped dragging him into Muck's
crazy schemes, though.  A moment of quiet settled over the
pair as they applied themselves to lunch.

     "Wanna go to the Tea Fleet tonight? My treat..." Muck
relied on tone alone to make the point that this was a peace
offering.

     "Wouldn't be fair to Kyoko.  I doubt she'd appreciate my
coming home late AND drunk."

     "Spoilsport.  What can I do to make it up to you, then?"

     "Babysit for us sometime."

     "Deal."

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     Ranma looked at Akane as if she'd suddenly grown an extra
head.  He'd actually stopped eating as he stared at her; such
was the depth of his surprise.  This fact was not lost on the
others of their little lunch group, who'd also stopped eating
to stare at the sight.  The tableau wasn't broken until
Hiroshi nudged Daisuke with his elbow, causing the other youth
to pass over a few yen even as Akane stopped glaring and
started talking again.

     "Idiot.  Its not like I used any big words, Ranma.  I
want you to tell Ukyou we forgive her for what she did at the
wedding.  Can't you see that its still bothering her?"

     "But she could have hurt someone, Akane.  Good grief, she
could have hurt YOU!  And now you want me to forgive her?"

     "Yes, I do.  Can't you see the way it bugs her the way
you pretend nothing's wrong except when someone mentions it? 
Its tearing her apart inside, Ranma!  Please?  For me?"

     Ranma looked into those large brown eyes and felt his
resolve crumble.  For all his assertations otherwise, she
could be darn cute when she wanted too... usually when she
wanted Ranma to do something, like now.  Ever since the trip
to Mt. Phoenix, when he'd had to face up to how he really felt
about her, it was getting harder and harder to drop back into
the old rhythms of petty sniping and fighting... He put down
the bento and rose to his feet with a sigh.  "All right. 
Since you asked... you un-cute tomboy you."

     "Maybe, but I'm YOUR un-cute tomboy and don't you forget
it!"

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     Nabiki leaned back in her chair and tried to make sense
of the days events.  Typhoon Gajin certainly was continuing to
live up to his nickname; but something about all this
intrigued her.  On the surface of it, it seemed clear enough;
between what he'd said to Kuno, and an apparently similar
message repeated to her sister and Ranma that afternoon, the
man was on some sort of one man crusade to keep the fights, at
least, off of school property.  But why?  Never mind that; she
was coming at this problem from the wrong angle.  No one knew
anything about this human cipher; it was like he'd appeared
full blown at the start of the new school year.  That was the
tack to take here.  Learn about the what, and the why would
become apparent.  And who knew, maybe she could even find some
way to profit off of it as well...

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     Muck put down his coffee cup and stretched.  The interior
of room 5 hadn't changed much since he moved in; much to the
other tenant's surprise.  He'd purchased a comfortable chair
and a large desk, on which sat the computer that formed FRED's
presence in the apartment.  There was also a bookcase half
full of books next to the desk, and a few cooking appliances
on the counter that formed the kitchen space, but that was it.

     "Thunders-San!"  As if on cue, Yotsuya's head popped
through the wall.  "Its early, why don't we..."  Whatever the
suggestion was, it went unfinished as Muck stood and grabbed
the golf club that was leaning negligently against a corner of
the desk.

     "Fore!"  With a wish-thump, the club made contact with
Yotsuya's forehead, driving him back through the wall into
room 4.  Irritated, Muck knelt down next to the hole.  "For
the last bloody time, Yotsuya-san!  I don't care WHAT you
want.  Until you can learn to use a Door, the answer is NO!" 
Sighing in irritation, he propped the club back up against the
corner of the desk and flopped back into the chair.

     "Ok, Fred.  I'll believe that Ranma is some sort of
chaotic nexus.  I'll even stipulate that he might be the cause
of the distortions that are keeping you from getting the
readings we need to move on.  What I don't buy is why you
think getting him married is the answer."

     "Look at the source material.  He never choose one girl
over all the rest."

     "Unproven.  Its pretty clear that at the end of volume 38
that he only loves Akane.  The rest are just friends, or
irritations."

     "But he's never actually told the rest no.  Their
probabilities still exist.  And that's the problem.  Its like
we're in the trunk of a tree, with five main branches."

     "Only four fiancees."

     "The fifth equals none of the above.  Also a valid, if
unlikely choice."

     "Ok, so we're part of a bloody tree.  What does this have
to do with not being able to open a bloody portal?"

     "I'm trying to get there.  We're like a molecule of water
being drawn down the trunk to one of those branches.  We don't
know exactly WHERE in the trunk we are, either, and can't
until we wind up in one of those branches."

     "Which doesn't happen until Ranma solve this whole
fiancee mess?"

     "Exactly.  And until we know where WE are, I can't figure
out how to get where we're going."

     "So, what is it you suggest we do about it?"

     "First, I'd suggest grabbing the club, cause Yostuya's
about to try coming through the wall again..."

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     From such innocent acorns the great oaks of disaster
grow.  On the surface it would seem innocent enough... take
the class to view the cherry blossoms and just observe the
interactions that resulted.  That was what FRED thought,
anyway.  The way that the wild horse of Nerima attracted
suitors, challengers, and other weirdness however...  Even the
initial planning spiraled out of control.  Once the principal
heard about the idea, he got behind it and pushed.  Instead of
taking just class 2-F, now the entire school was involved! 
Any student who didn't show attend was threatened with a
haircut.  Add in the fact that by its very nature the viewing
would occur in a public place meant that even non school
attendees could, and probably would, show up?

     Muck slowly scanned the park once more.  Next to him,
Godai fidgeted nervously as usual.  After the gate incident,
the two of them had found themselves seconded to the
diminutive Ms. Hinako as sort of a roving patrol to handle the
'difficult cases', as the principal put it.  Which meant that
poor Godai found himself far nearer to trouble than he wanted
to be.  Usually, though, the mere sight of 'Typhoon Gajin'
approaching was enough to stop something before it got out of
hand, however.  His reputation, however, had not yet spread
beyond the Furinkan grounds...

     Kodachi had heard about today's field trip from her
brother.  From her perch in a concealing tree, she'd sighted
Ranma sitting with that Tendo hussy... clearly needing to be
rescued.  The two teachers standing nearby were of no import,
no instructor her father hired would dare stand between her
and her true love!  So thinking, she leapt down from her
perch, only to find her way blocked by a large, red-haired
gajin.  And to add upon said insult, he had the effrontery to
demand she leave?  She paused in confusion, trying to decide
how best to punish this impertinence.

     Ranma's head had snapped up as soon as he heard Kodachi's
signature cackle, as had the rest of class 2-F.  Being
classmates with three of the Nerima wrecking crew had given
them all ringside seats for far to much of the insanity that
was part and parcel of living here; and they all knew what
that particular sound meant.  What no one had expected was to
see Typhoon Gajin actually CONFRONTING the dreaded Black Rose
of St. Hebreke's!  Ranma's heart sank; he was to far away to
help, and could only hope that somehow Kodachi would shy away
from assaulting a teacher.  No good, she was presenting him
with one of her booby trapped bouquets!

     What none of the spectators to this event expected was
for Muck to knock the bouquet clear before catching a face
full of whatever chemical Kodachi had doctored it with.  With
guile defeated, and her brother and that demented Ms. Hinako
headed towards them, Kodachi decided to quit the field in
favor of another day, leaving Muck to have to accept Tatewaki
Kuno's apologies for his sisters behavior while Hinako
pestered him with questions about how he'd managed his feat. 
From her seat with the rest of class 3-E, Nabiki Tendo decided
that she definitely wanted to find as much as she could about
him... Clearly it would be a very profitable endeavor.

     That was when Shampoo made her appearance, and Ryouga as
well.  And since he was concentrating on what was happening
with Thunders-sensei, the first clue Ranma had of their
presence was, typically, the moment after Shampoo forcefully
attached herself to him; which of course triggered a bellow of
rage from Ryouga about betraying Akane.  The rest of class 2-f
scattered, and wisely so, because the slower moving students
just barely got clear of the immediate area in time.

     Muck whirled at the sound of the shouting and looked as
if he was about to cry as he saw the fight he'd been trying to
prevent erupt anyway.  Kuno proved his lack of common sense by
charging INTO the erupting brawl, pledging to protect Akane. 
Godai, who'd finally made his way over to Muck's side, simply
put a hand on Muck's shoulder in consolation.  Even Ms. Hinako
realized the impossibility of stopping this once it had
started.

     By the time the combat had finally wound down, Akane was
the last person not knocked out, splashed, or knocked clear
out of the area by virtue of punting Ranma out of sight once
it was down to the two of them and Ranma had decided the fight
was over.  But the damage had been done, as the rest of the
student body had fled; even if they hadn't during the course
of the fight every single cherry blossom had been knocked from
the trees!  With this fact realized, even the teachers called
it a day and scattered to their homes, and 'The Great Sakura
Slaughter' entered the body of urban legends...

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     Muck slid a passed out Yotsuya back through the crevice
to room 4, not particularly bothering to be gentle.  When he
and Godai had returned to Maison Ikkoku, they'd found a
surprise "You Survived!" party had been laid on in room 5. 
Muck was less than happy about it, but after Akemi explained
that Kyoko had let them in to set up, Muck felt he really
didn't have any grounds to complain.  It was her husband's
survival she was celebrating as well, after all.  So, he'd put
his best face on the matter and endured.

     Finally, everyone had run out of steam, one way or
another, and had drifted off.  Yotsuya had been the last, and
he was finally able to slump down in his chair and relax.  The
place was a mess, of course, but tomorrow would be soon enough
to worry about cleaning it up.  Right now he was looking
forward to a pointed discussion with FRED about this
supposedly great idea...

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     Nabiki Tendo was definitely not in a good mood the next
school day.  She'd set the computer god of Furinkan after
their enigmatic teacher, only to come up against a brick wall. 
Worse than that, but he'd apparently been detected at it as
well.  He'd passed on the bad news this morning before school,
apparently not only had he not gotten any information, but
whoever it was that caught him had erased several other files
of information he'd been gathering for her as well.  Then,
Thunders-sensei had called her aside at the start of the lunch
period and had quite pointedly told her to stop digging.  Of
course, she'd put on an affronted look, trying to claim
innocence, but he hadn't bought it.  In fact, he'd raised the
ante by threatening to talk to her father about her
inappropriate activities.  She doubted her father would really
understand what it was that Thunders-sensei would be going on
about, but he'd probably make a scene about it in front of
everyone later.  Nor was she too worried about weathering the
storm if it did happen.  What she didn't want, though, was to
give a certain pig tailed eating machine any reason to tease
HER.  It was a given that she was the teaser, not the teased,
and there was no way that she was going to let Ranma turn the
tables on her if she could avoid it.  The only redeeming fact
about it all was that an unhappy Nabiki could make a lot of
other people unhappy too, so she decided to go ahead and
spread the gloom around...

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

     "Well, that was a total waste of time.  I should have
known better than to expect to find the answers all written
out for me."

     "What did you expect?  Something like the Instant Video
from Spaceballs?  How is someone supposed to have written down
what we did when we haven't even done it yet?"

     "Hasn't anyone ever told you its bad form to use logic to
win an argument?"

     "Nope.  But why don't you grab that club... you can burn
off some of that frustration punting Yotsuya back through the
wall.  He's going to pop through right... about... Now!"

     "FORE!!!!!"